I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
