Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
