I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
