my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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