Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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