Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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