he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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