He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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