How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
