Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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