i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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