You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
