Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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