Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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