i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
