I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
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It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
