Quick, to the slutcave!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
