I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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