Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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