dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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