I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
