Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
