My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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