talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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