Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
