Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
