A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
