Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
