What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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