Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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