Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
