Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
