Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My ass is underappreciated
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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