Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
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