I can't watch pbs sober anymore
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
