he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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