I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
