I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
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not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
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I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.