my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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