First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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