"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
