If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
