Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
