I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
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Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
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Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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