apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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