That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
