dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
pray to the hookup gods
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
