Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
