I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Randomize
