Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
