I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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