i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
