My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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