you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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