I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
