3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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