How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
