Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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