Umm I'm too high to move.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
