Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
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In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
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I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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