She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
