apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
