well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
